My boy got in the car yesterday and after rehashing his day, he looked at me with his big brown eyes, “So, Mom, how was your day?” Then, I offered all that I accomplished that day: the projects completed, the household chores done, the exercise attempted, the meals cooked or groceries purchased, the friends seen, the prayers prayed, the homework completed for class, etc. And after the response given, there was the so familiar pit in my stomach: that aching pit that seems to say, “You are not enough. No matter what, you cannot accomplish enough.”

Whether I performed well or not was not the issue; but much more importantly, I needed to prove I had worth. You would think that by my age, I would truly understand that the worth of an individual is based on the mere fact that God has designed each of us uniquely with His imprint. The gifts. The features.The good. The bad. The ugly. Yet, my need for validation oftentimes hinges on a background of not experiencing this kind of model, of worth being based solely upon accomplishments and laurels.

Wonder if instead of recounting my list of credentials, I responded with one of the following:

“It was a great day; and God gave me sweet reminders of His love! He used me in the life of the security guard. ”

“I was really lonely today….”

“My heart is sad because my friend is struggling with cancer. ”

“My heart is torn because it is hard being a mom, a daughter to a frail 89 year old, and a wife.”

Granted my boy doesn’t need me to cast my burdens on him, but, he does need his mom to show up emotionally, to not hide behind the cover up, to own my heart.

HOW WILL HE UNDERSTAND HIS OWN HEART IF I AM NOT WILLING TO RISK MY OWN? HOW CAN HE RELATE TO ME IN MY HUMANNESS IF I RATTLE OFF A LIST? WHY WOULD HE TRUST ME WITH THE SAME PLACES IN HIS OWN HEART IF I AM NOT WILLING TO MODEL WELL? AND…..THE WORST. HOW DOES HE LEARN TO RUN TO GOD WITH HIS DEEPEST LONGINGS, HIS DEEPEST PAINS, HIS DEEPEST FEARS, AND ENCOUNTER A LOVE LIKE NO OTHER?

“Deep within each of us is the urge to know and to be known. It is essential to the core of our being as is the urge to dance in the sunshine or cry at weddings or sing in the shower or laugh at children or fall backward into the snow. It is buried deep within us….When we were given the capacity to love, to speak, to decide, to dream, to hope and create and suffer, we were also given the longing to be known by the One Who wants to be completely known. It is a longing woven into the very fabric of the image in which we were made. ”       Robert Benson

Until Christ comes back to redeem His own, I think, I will always face the struggle to see just how much He adores me. Oh, I can testify over and over and expound quite articulately on why and how He adores each of you; but when it comes to embracing His love for me, the tension of the struggle appears. The bottom line is that Jesus’ death on the cross was enough, more than enough, to satisfy the sinfulness of my condition. There’s never been a gift extended like His and given with no strings attached. His  death counts for everything for the believer, a new paradigm to trust and embrace. A place to trust His love for me, for you.

We all long for connection. Being known completely seems like our greatest longing; and it’s quite possibly our greatest fear. When facing these daily battles of scarcity and of owning His love for me, here’s a few suggestions that I am finding helpful:

1. Take every thought captive. This process involves not only catching the thought, but also looking at the lie. Then, there’s the call to change it. To step into it and think differently. To quote scripture. To even initiate self-talk.
2. Grab gratitude. There’s always something in which to be thankful. The beautiful day. The gorgeous smiles on our kids’ faces. The kiss goodbye from our husband when leaving for work. The cold, wet nose of the puppy. The phone that allows connections with those who live far away. The squeals of quadruplets and their sister who live so near.
3. Resist the temptation to blame. There’s the temptations to play the  “victim” card; however, it does us no good. In fact, it causes us to remain stuck. The paralysis lying in this aftermath only serves to create a block between the ones with whom we long for relationship.
4. Surrender to the process of learning: God is enough. I am enough. We each have struggles that are uniquely our own; yet, in all of those hard places, we all long for the same. To be loved. To belong. To be included. To be welcomed.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?    Matthew 6:25-26